By Dr. Donna LaMar and Betsy Laney

You likely see princes and princesses every day: The baby who fusses for less than 10 seconds before Mom or Dad comes running. The toddler who “won’t let” Mom leave the store without always buying a new toy. The teenager who dictates what brand of everything the family purchases – from clothing to electronic equipment.
These so-called princes and princesses have complete control over the household. And when they don’t get their way, everyone within earshot knows about it.
While this type of behavior has always been in existence, we see more of it these days. Between both parents working outside the home and an influx of media messages that distort what a parent/child relationship should resemble, too many parents today are either trying to be their child’s best friend, or they’re trying to relive their own childhood through their children.
However, parents need to realize that their No. 1 responsibility is to prepare their children for life – the good, the bad and the ugly of it. Always giving in to what your child wants is actually harming the child, making him or her irresponsible, uncaring and simply not ready for the real world. In fact, a child who isn’t given an opportunity to learn how to deal with life or how to cope with making mistakes is being neglected and abused.   
Despite what many parents think, children thrive on routine, limits and rules. Those three things equal security for them. When routines, limits and rules are lacking, children become terrified, neurotic, anxious and upset because they know they’re not supposed to be in charge.
If you fear that one of your children is currently a prince or princess, or if you want to avoid creating one in the first place, you need to change your perspective of yourself, your child and your parenting techniques from being totally permissive to displaying appropriate authority. That’s the only way you’ll help your children develop into responsible, caring adults. Use the following suggestions to help guide your efforts.

1. Make your child responsible for age-appropriate behaviors and responsibilities.
Giving your child chores and responsibilities starts as early as age 2. Children need to learn early that everyone in the family has to work together to get everything done. Toddlers can set the table, empty their trash from their room, put their dirty clothes in the hamper and pick out their own clothes. Preschoolers can be responsible for keeping their room clean, packing their clothes for a trip, putting their clothes away from the laundry and caring for a pet. As children get older, they can mow the lawn, vacuum, do laundry and cook a simple meal. The key is to give the child age-appropriate tasks that teach him or her how to be an adult. With that said, you have to be aware of when the child can’t handle something and be able to step in to teach and guide the child before things get out of control. This may include stopping an activity that is not safe and teaching them why.

2. Refuse to allow your child to manipulate you, others or the world.
When children act out at home, they sometimes do not act out in other places; however, the prince and princess usually do. They expect everyone to treat them as royalty. And sometimes grandparents or other well-meaning adults may inadvertently help this behavior continue by bowing down to it. That’s why you need to stop the behavior at home right away before it gets out of hand and continues into other areas of the child’s life. If you allow your child to believe that the rules don’t apply to him or her at home, then there’s no way the child will be able to follow the rules at school or in life.

3. When there is a temper tantrum, give children what they don’t want versus what they do want.
Giving into a temper tantrum only reinforces bad behavior. Instead, ignore the tantrum. For example, if a child is throwing a tantrum because she wants a cookie, that cookie just disappeared. It no longer exists and therefore the child can’t have it. Unfortunately, many parents and children are confused between wants and needs. Wants don’t have to be fulfilled; needs do. Typically tantrums involve wants. To effectively deal with tantrums, parents need to shift into a neutral gear and be calm and assertive during a tantrum. Don’t play into the child’s emotion. Make sure the child is safe, and then calmly walk away. Once the audience is gone (you) the tantrum will usually stop.

4. Don’t rescue your children when they make bad decisions, unless they are in danger.
Parents naturally want to rescue their children from doing something stupid, but you need to resist that urge and let children make their own mistakes (within reasonable safety parameters). Parent your children with both your head and your heart. That means before you step in and “protect” your child, you have to ask yourself, “Should I really give in to this? If I do this, is this going to help this child to become a responsible adult?” For example, suppose you grounded your child for a week. By day two, you can’t drop it back to a two-day grounding, believing your child has learned his or her lesson. Rather, you need to let your children suffer the repercussions of any decision they make. Remember that it’s only in the pain and the suffering that we grow. If you take that away from your children, you’re essentially saying, “I’m choosing to not let you grow; I don’t love you enough.” When you truly love someone, you care enough to help that person grow physically, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

5. Teach your children about the needs and wants of other people.
In order for your children to grow up into responsible and caring adults, they need to understand that other people have needs, wants, and feelings too. Some ways to foster this attitude in your children include:
• Having them decide which of their toys they’d like to give to children who don’t have toys.
• Letting them use their own money to purchase needed items for others (such as food baskets for the poor).
• Encouraging them to give away some of their clothes to a clothes closet or charity.
Parents set the tone for this behavior. So if your children are not aware of other people’s needs and wants, you need to help them have experiences that teach them these things.

Responsible Parenting Yields Responsible Children
If you think you’re doing something wonderful for your children by “giving them everything,” think again. You’re really just creating monsters. Additionally, parents who raise princes and princesses typically suffer too. They lose who they are because they’re spending so much time trying to please their children.
Always remember that good parenting means helping your children grow and develop into the best people they can be. This usually involves setting limits; teaching children how to handle challenges, stress and difficult times; demonstrating how to be in relationships appropriately; modeling patience and appropriate giving; and teaching kindness. The goal is to prepare your children to become healthy, responsible, contributing members of society. By following all these steps, you can finally end the reign of terror that has been dominating your household and raise healthy, productive and emotionally secure children who are assets to your community.

Dr. Donna LaMar and Betsy Laney are psychologists who created The Farm, an educational, mental health and preventive program for youth and families. They help people learn and grow, as well as heal from traumas, abuse and neglect. Working with animals, plants and nature, LaMar and Laney provide a unique form of eco-therapy and counseling to overcome life’s challenges. In addition, LaMar is working on her book, “If Marie Can Do it, So Can I!” about transcending abuse. For more information on their work, visit www.LivingFarm.org or call 231-924-2401.