By Ellen Sarver Dolgen
 
Now, more than ever, so many households are experiencing puberty and perimenopause and menopause (I call it PM&M for short) at the same time. Why? In 1980, the average age of a first time mother was 23. In 2010 that number jumped to almost 27 (26.8).  This matches up a 14-year-old child with a 41-year-old mother. So what happens when you mix adolescent hormones and menopausal hormones in the same house?  Hormone combustion!

These days, households with both teens and moms entering perimenopause and menopause (PM&M) can reach an atmosphere of playoff intensity and become a place of hate and not love.  That’s not a beneficial situation for anyone! I’ve heard so many stories that absolutely break my heart. From children going to stay with friends because neither child nor parent knew how to resolve the issues, to separation and divorce.

Sound familiar?  You’re not alone.

The good news is that amidst all this chaos, there is an opportunity to turn this time into one of growth and connection.  We can all get through this together, if we really get down to the business of what’s really going on.  Often the anger or frustration that we send outward is really just an overflow, or misdirection, of that same anger and frustration that we might have toward ourselves. Working on yourself, your own personal growth, knowing your body and being prepared will help ease the tension you have in your relationships – particularly with those closest to you.

It seems as soon as our children begin puberty they stop talking. They begin pushing adult figures away in an attempt to achieve independence.  This process is hard enough on mom, but if she is experiencing perimenopause and menopause (PM&M), it’s a dangerous combination. Often this leads to a lack – or complete loss of – communication between mother and child. When the communication lines are down, everyone suffers.

How do you fix this? Keep talking! Dig it out!  A simple hug instead of a look of disgust is a good place to begin. To do this, both the menopausal mother and the teen need to try to stop personalizing everything each other is saying and doing.  It is nobody’s fault. Everyone is dealing with her own personal challenges. Keeping this fact in mind can be liberating. Your teen may roll their eyes and look at you like you’re an alien from outer space, but just ignore that.  It’s kind of how they look at everything; it’s really not about you. Keep communicating no matter what the response is.  

Be the first to give. If you share your challenges openly, you show that you’re willing to be vulnerable. This can be an incredible example to set for a child who’s going through a tough and confusing time. When you reach out and share your struggles, you’re setting an example through your actions that it’s OK to not be fine, it’s OK to be confused and frustrated and it’s OK to reach out to your loved ones for support.

Look, teens can be total monsters (weren’t you?), but remember, so can a menopausal woman!  Of course, every situation is different, and it may take some tinkering to customize this loving approach to fit your family structure, but the more we educate our loved ones and ourselves, the happier and more understanding the whole household will be.
 
"E" is the pen name of Ellen Sarver Dolgen, author of “Shmirshky: the pursuit of hormone happiness,” a light-hearted, informative, easy-to-read book on menopause, and creator of www.shmirshky.com, a resource treasure trove for women going through perimenopause and menopause. E stands for everyone because everyone goes through menopause or knows someone who does. Ellen is passionate about promoting health and wellness in America. She currently serves on the Community Advisory Board of Scripps Memorial Hospital La Jolla. She has served on boards, committees and chaired numerous events for Fresh Start Women’s Foundation, Angel Charity for Children, San Diego Hospice, Brandeis University, the Phoenix Heart Ball, Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, Weizmann Institute of Science, Brewster Auxiliary, and Handmaker Home for the Aging. Ellen’s lifelong commitment to philanthropy through board representation, fundraising and event organization continues with her founding of Shmirshky Universal, which aims to promote women's health and well-being around the world.

By Meghan Vivo

It's a sure sign that your children are growing up when they embark on their first romantic relationship. And though your tween or teen is taking another step toward adulthood, they may not be emotionally prepared for the ups and downs of their first love (which is commonly followed by their first breakup).

Even though the thought of your teen entering the world of dating and relationships may strike terror in you (you've been around long enough to know that early relationships can set the tone for all future relationships), you have an important role to play in preparing your teen to make healthy choices.

Research published in the journal Child Development shows that teens' choice of romantic partner as early as middle school has long-term effects on their emotional and social health.

Despite the fact that teen dating is dramatically different today than it was in decades ago (with Facebook, teen sexting and widespread promiscuity), a study by Stephanie Madsen, associate professor of psychology at McDaniel College in Maryland, shows that teens value parental input and tend to have healthier relationships when they get advice from their parents.

Though you can't protect your children from a broken heart, you can help guide them through the maze of teen dating by following these suggestions:

DISCUSS THE DETAILS
It may be hard for your teen to imagine you out on a date, but chances are you have at least some experience in this area. Share what you know, such as restaurant etiquette, what to do when the bill comes, how to politely end a bad date and how to handle the goodnight kiss or pressures to have sex.

Also talk to your teen about what to look for in a boyfriend or girlfriend. They'll likely have their own ideas, but it never hurts to explain why dating the popular kid, the jock or the best-looking person in class might be overrated. Instead, encourage your teen to consider how much they have in common with their love interest, how smart and caring the person is, whether they enjoy spending time with them and how they treat others.

When talking with your teen, be as understanding and nonjudgmental as possible. It may have been many years ago, but you can still remember how nerve-racking, exciting and terrifying one's first forays into the dating world can be. Most adolescents fall in love for the first time and are convinced that it will last forever. You don't need to be the voice of doom, as most early relationships end before the school year is up.

Don't get discouraged if your teen doesn't respond the way you'd hoped. Chances are they're listening to what you have to say and are just too embarrassed to admit it.

KNOW THE PLAN
Before your teen goes on a date, make sure you know where she will be, whom she will be with and what she they will be doing. Dating violence is unfortunately common and you want to be prepared to take action if needed. Let your teen know she can call you if she feels uncomfortable with anything that happens on a date or if she ends up drinking too much or getting herself into a bind.

ESTABLISH THE RULES
Your teenager is not yet an adult and is still subject to your rules. Even though he believes he is in love, he may not fully understand what love is and how it differs from attraction. This means extra precautions are necessary to protect your child's emotions and to help him make decisions he won't regret.

Many parents insist that their children wait until age 16 to go on their first date, and some allow only group dates for a period of time. Talk to your teen about your concerns and expectations and establish the ground rules together.

This is also an ideal time to talk about sex and share your family's values and morals. Today's teens already know far more than the basic "birds and the bees" lecture, so you'll need to provide detailed, relevant and accurate information about sexually transmitted diseases, birth control and other issues. If your teen is feeling pressured to have sex, talk about the reasons waiting may be best and ways to say no.

BE YOUR TEEN'S BIGGEST FAN
When a teen's first love (or subsequent relationship) ends, the heartbreak can feel earth-shattering. Many young people carry the scars of this pain into their adult relationships, so parents need to be particularly supportive and sympathetic during these times.

Romantic love is intense and is a new experience for teens. Even if the relationship was obviously doomed from the start or only lasted a couple of weeks, your teen's pain is real and deserves validation. Show that you care by actively listening to your teen's feelings without badmouthing their love interest.

Let your teen voice her hurt in her own way, even if it seems irrational or overly dramatic (e.g., refuses to eat, cries uncontrollably, blares sad music or spends the entire weekend under the covers in bed). Because of their developmental stage, it is normal for tweens and teens to experience intense feelings of both elation and sadness that may seem extreme to you. If you're afraid your child is crossing the line into teen depression, seek advice from a therapist or other professional.

If your teen shows interest, talk about your own past experiences to show her she is not alone and that she will find love again. Breakups can bring deeper issues and insecurities to the surface, especially if teens have experienced past trauma, their parents' divorce, a death in the family or other distressing events. Healing takes time and can't be rushed, so be supportive for as long as it takes.

For some teens, their first love is someone they lose quickly but remember forever. For others, their high school crush may be the person they end up spending their life with. Whichever holds true for your teen, their first romantic relationship presents a valuable opportunity for you to share your values with your child and get him or her started on the right path toward feeling the joy and meaning of lasting love.

By Leslie Davis

You'd like to think that your teens will have a nice, fairytale romance for their first relationship -- that they'll be wooed with flowers, taken for walks in the park and treated with nothing but respect.

And while there's a very good chance that will be the scenario, you should be aware of the potential for teen dating violence -- something one in three teens will experience in an intimate relationship.

Most parents don't want to think about this happening to their child. About 80 percent of parents believe teen dating violence is not an issue or don't know if it is an issue, according to a 2004 survey in Women's Health.

Unfortunately, the majority of parents are wrong. Here are some statistics you should know about teen dating violence, from Break the Cycle:
• Nearly 1.5 million high school students experience physical abuse from a dating partner in a single year.
• One in three teenage girls is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from someone they are dating – a figure that far exceeds victimization rates for other types of violence affecting youth.
• One in 10 high school students has been hit, slapped or physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• 80 percent of girls who have been physically abused continue to date their abuser.
• Only 33 percent of teens who are in an abusive relationship ever tell anyone about the abuse.

WHO IS VICTIMIZED
It's important to understand that it's not just girls who are the victims of dating violence. Both males and females are victimized, no matter their race, income level or sexual preference. The main difference is in the way that boys and girls are abusive:
• Girls are more likely to yell, threaten to hurt themselves, pinch, slap, scratch and kick.
• Boys injure girls more severely and frequently.
• Girls ages 16 to 24 are the population most vulnerable to dating violence, at a rate of almost triple the national average, according to the U.S. Department of Justice:
• One-quarter of high school girls have been victims of physical or sexual abuse or date rape.
• One in four girls in a relationship reports going further sexually than they wanted as a result of pressure.
• Among female victims of intimate partner violence, a current or former boyfriend or girlfriend victimized 94 percent of those between the ages of 16 and 19.
• Between 1993 and 1999, 22 percent of all homicides against females ages 16 to 19 were committed by an intimate partner.

THE IMPACT OF DATING VIOLENCE
Now that you have an understanding of how serious the problem of teen dating violence is, you also need to be aware of the impact on victims. Teenagers who are victims of dating violence are more likely to continue to be abused in their adult relationships, and are unlikely to break the pattern of abusive relationships.
Teen dating violence also puts victims at increased risk for the following:
• Substance abuse
• Eating disorders
• Risky sexual behavior
• Pregnancy
• Suicide

RECOGNIZING THE SIGNS
If your teens have started dating, it's always a good idea to keep an eye out for signs of dating violence. Many teens will be too ashamed to tell you that they are being abused by someone they are dating, and may end up in more dangerous situations in the long run.
The following are some signs that your teen may be involved in a violent dating situation:
• Withdrawing from school or activities they used to enjoy
• Becoming isolated, hostile or secretive
• Apologizes for partner's behaviors
• Stops hanging out with friends
• Physical bruises, signs of injury or damaged personal property
• Changes in clothing or make-up
• Use of drugs or alcoho
If you recognize any of these signs, take action immediately before the situation gets worse.

WHAT YOU CAN DO
Parents often feel helpless once they realize that their child is the victim of teen dating violence. The most important thing to do is to talk to your teen about dating violence, something most parents admit to not doing

The moment you think your teens may begin dating, inform them of the dangers of dating violence and what to do should they find themselves in an abusive situation. Encourage them to be open with you about their relationships and reassure them that you will not be judgmental about anything they tell you.

If you believe that your teen is a victim of dating violence, try talking to her about it. Find an appropriate time to start the conversation and act supportive, encouraging and caring as you elicit information. Don't be critical about anything your teen tells you because that may cause her to end the conversation and continue in the unhealthy relationship.

Depending on the severity of the abuse, you may need to take your teen to a doctor for a checkup and contact your local law enforcement officials. They may be in the best position to follow up on the abuse and take action.

Teen dating violence is a very real and very serious problem. Take time to education yourself and your teens about the threats and risks associated with teen dating violence and come up with proactive measures to avoid it. Keeping a dialogue open with your teens will give them a better chance of having that fairytale romance.

TV Movie Spotlights Teen Dating Violence

“The Secret Online Lives of Teens” Reveals Dangerous Behaviors and Online Trends

A new report released in June called “The Secret Online Lives of Teens” is a revealing peak at just how much our kids risk when they interact online, and one expert believes it’s more than just a wake-up call.

The study, conducted by Harris Interactive for McAfee, asked 955 American teens (including 593 aged 13-15 and 362 aged 16-17) about their attitudes on Internet privacy. The results are troubling for any parents of teenagers.

Sixty-nine percent of teens freely divulged their physical location 28 percent chatted with strangers.
Of those who chatted with strangers, defined as people they do not know in the offline world:
• 43 percent shared their first name
• 24 percent shared their e-mail address
• 18 percent posted photos of themselves
• 12 percent posted their cell phone number

What's more, girls make themselves targets more often than boys: 32 percent of the girl respondents indicated they chat with strangers online vs. 24 percent of boy respondents, according to the survey.

Mary Kay Hoal, a concerned mom and global media expert who addressed her Internet safety issues by creating a social network exclusively for kids and teens – www.yoursphere.com – believes that this is more than just a wake-up call for parents and teens.

“This study is Pearl Harbor in the war against Internet predators,” she said. “While the headline always changes from cyber bullies to privacy issues, what remains constant, and will continue to, is the risky behavior teens can participate in. If you don’t want your kids participating in certain behaviors offline, why would you permit them online? If you tell them not to talk to strangers at the mall, why allow it on the Internet? Parents need to take notice now, and they need to teach their kids about the dangers of predators. It’s very real.”

Hoal has been studying this issue for more than four years, having created Yoursphere as a response to her own daughter establishing profiles behind her back on social networking sites. Her goal is to create a positive place for kids and teens that offers all the best the Internet has to offer, without the dangers of predators, bullies and others who seek to use the anonymity of the Internet to victimize children.

“As parents, we need to do three things right now,” she said. “We need to learn about the online dangers for kids and teach our kids about them, just as we’d talk to them about drugs, sex, learning to drive a car or ride a bike safely. Next, we need to show our kids how to protect their online and offline privacy, so the predators and bullies are less capable of taking advantage of them. Finally, we need to set up a set of rules for our kids for their online lives that match their rules for their offline lives. The most effective litmus test is this: If the activity or behavior in question is inappropriate offline, then it is inappropriate online, as well.

The combination of anonymity and technology that exists online can create a wide variety of hazards for teens, getting in the way of all the good things that exist for them on the Internet. We need to be able to use basic, common sense safety guidelines to help clear that path.”

Holt is a mother of five children (both biological and adopted, ranging in age from 6 – 19 years old), and faces the same challenges every parent does. After researching the disturbing landscape of social networking sites — including endless inappropriate content and thousands of predators targeting youth —she founded Yoursphere.com, a free and positive place for kids and teens online as well as YoursphereForParents.com, where parents can find tools and information to create a safety-first experience for their families.