Parenting is a tough and frustrating job. More than anything we want to help our kids grow into healthy, happy adults. Yet when they don’t behave the way we want them to, it’s all too easy to resort to tactics we’re not proud of. Yelling. Threatening. Even spanking. We use these discredited discipline techniques even though we can clearly see that they are not effective. And not only do they make our kids feel bad, they make us feel even worse. And yet, because we don’t know any good alternatives, we stay stuck in the cycle of negativity – and nothing ever changes.

Good news, says author Kimberley Clayton Blaine. There is a parenting technique that lays out a loving, nurturing path for raising happy, well-adjusted, well-behaved children. It’s called emotion coaching and it feels good to parents and kids alike. And best of all, it works.

“At its heart, emotion coaching is about teaching your child how to recognize and express the way he is feeling in an appropriate way,” says Blaine, a licensed family and child therapist, mother of two boys and author of the new book The Go-To Mom’s Parents’ Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children (Jossey-Bass/A Wiley Imprint, 2010; $16.95, www.TheGoToMom.com).

“Once you are able to help your child to understand and communicate his feelings according to his developmental abilities, you’ll see a change in the way you interact with one another,” she promises. “Not only will you begin to see results, you’ll feel great about the relationship you are nurturing with your child.”

Emotion coaching is a gentle, open-hearted alternative to old-fashioned, often aggressive discipline that can be used with babies, toddlers, preschoolers and young school-age children. Ultimately, it gives parents the know-how and the confidence to build strong, productive relationships with their children.

So if emotion coaching is the answer we’ve all been waiting for, why aren’t more parents doing it? Blaine says that there are four common roadblocks that trip up even the most well-meaning parents. Read on to see if these obstacles are holding you down and to see how emotion coaching can help you to parent more successfully:

ROADBLOCK #1: You Default to One of Two Extremes: Control-Based or Hands-Off Parenting.
Picture this: It’s late afternoon and you’ve (finally!) found five minutes to make the phone call that’s been on your list all day. Meanwhile, your children, who are admittedly going a little stir crazy, are running up and down the hallway, feet pounding on the wood floor and yelling after one another as they play a raucous and rowdy game of “tag.” As the noise level rises, your patience wanes and you feel your frustration begin to boil over to near-combustion levels.

So now what do you do? If you’re like many parents, it depends on which of the two “traditional” choices you gravitate toward. Maybe you blow a gasket, screaming at your kids to pipe down and go to their rooms — or else. Or maybe you simply raise your white flag — find a way to excuse yourself off the call, sighing heavily and throwing your hands up in surrender — because kids will be kids no matter what you do.

Emotion Coaching Solution: Find the middle road.
Thankfully, says Blaine, there is a middle road here — and emotion coaching provides a solution that works for both the parents and the kids. In this particular case, there’s no need for punishment, but the kids should not be allowed to disrupt their mother’s phone call either.  

“Instead of yelling or ignoring, the emotion coach mom takes a deep breath and says, ‘Guys, you are being really loud. I can see that you have tons of energy — so can you take it outside, please? I’ll come out and play with you as soon as I’m off the phone. Right now, I need your help, so please head out back.’”
 
ROADBLOCK #2: You Discount, Minimize or Deny Your Child’s Feelings.
Discounting, minimizing or denying a child’s statements or feelings are knee-jerk reactions for most parents. Everyone does it — and usually without realizing they are doing it in the first place. The reason, says Blaine, is that we have a tendency to put our own feelings and issues before our children’s.

For example, if your child complains of being hungry 30 minutes after you ate lunch together, you think about the fact that you just ate, and you aren’t hungry, so there is no way that she can be hungry either. Rather than stopping to consider how she truly feels, you discount her feelings and brush off her request with a dismissive, “Oh, you couldn’t possibly be hungry!”

Or, for example, let’s say Tommy falls down on the playground, and you pick him up, brush him off and tell him he’s all right. You may think that you are doing the right thing by parenting him to not be overly sensitive and to “get back on the horse.” In actuality, you are (unintentionally) neglecting to think about what emotions that incident may stir up for him: pain, fear or embarrassment, for example.

Emotion Coaching Solution: Put yourself in their (tiny) shoes.
“Emotion coaching teaches us to explore a situation instead of immediately discounting or denying a child’s statement and feelings,” asserts Blaine. “As an emotion coach parent, you will always come from a place of empathy. So before you jump in to discount something that your child says, your first thoughts should always be, what is really going on here? What is my child feeling?

“So when Tommy falls, you might ask, ‘Did you hurt yourself? Or are you just scared?’” she explains. “And if he says that he is scared, you should affirm his emotions — tell him that it’s scary to fall down and ask if he wants to come sit with you for a few minutes before returning to play. The key is to be supportive.”

ROADBLOCK #3: You Bribe With External Motivation and Rewards.
What parent doesn’t love to reward her children for good behavior? Sticker charts, rewards for good behavior and, let’s face it, straight-up bribery are all tactics that are nearly as old as parenting itself. If you want to get your kid to pick up his room, then you reward him with TV time or a new toy. If you are working to potty train your toddler, then you may reward her for a “job” well done with a sticker or M&Ms.

However, Blaine says that asking your child to behave a certain way for a treat is generally not a good idea. In the case of the potty-training toddler, if she has accidents and can’t get the reward, she will decide not to value it anymore. And as for the room-cleaning bribe, well, we must all learn to cooperate in life without expecting something in return — so giving external rewards teaches the opposite.

Emotion Coaching Solution: Re-think your reward system.
Parents are often perplexed about what to do instead of offering up a reward, and the solution is simple: Offer your attention instead. If your 2-1/2-year-old doesn’t want to leave the park and you are already running late for an appointment, resist the urge to bribe her by saying, “If you come with Mommy now, I’ll give you a cookie.” Instead, try, “I know you like to play at the park, and you’re mad that we have to leave. I’m sorry, but we have somewhere we need to be. Can you help Mommy pack up our things?”  

“While she may still be upset about leaving, your understanding and empathy will help her feel validated, and her anger will subside more quickly,” explains Blaine. “And next time you need to get out the door, she won’t expect a treat in return for her cooperation.”
 
ROADBLOCK #4: You Use Negative Consequences as Punishment.
When children misbehave, parents feel as though we must lay down a consequence for their action in hopes of deterring it from happening again in the future. The problem with that approach, says Blaine, is that all we’re seeing is the behavior itself — not the reason behind the behavior. Perhaps they’re bursting with pent up energy, they’re bored, they’re overtired, or they need your attention.

“Spanking, yelling and time-outs don’t offer a replacement behavior — they don’t teach our children what to do instead of misbehaving,” she explains. “They really only serve to teach our children to hit and yell. They breed resentment, not accomplishment.  And neither you nor your child comes out of that situation feeling very good.”

Emotion Coaching Solution: Use natural consequences.
Blaine encourages parents to assess the situation at hand before throwing out an unconnected negative consequence. (“You won’t come in for dinner? Fine, no TV tomorrow!”) She’s not against consequences; she simply believes they should be natural: For instance, a child who doesn’t come in for dinner when his mother calls him may miss out on dessert because his tardiness pushed his dinnertime later.

Then, according to the emotion coaching method, the mother might empathize and discuss solutions with her son. “This really stinks. How can we be sure to get you inside for dinner on time?”

“With emotion coaching, you empathize, talk about what went wrong, and neutralize all the negative feelings, then come up with a plan,” she explains. “The key to having cooperative children is to encourage them to be motivated internally. Children do things because they benefit personally from doing so, not because they’re threatened or coerced.

“Successful emotion coaching takes time and diligence, but so does parenting in general,” says Blaine. “The most important thing to remember is that it’s not going to work for you every single time — so don’t be discouraged the first time you don’t have a success. If you put in at least 50-percent effort, the results will be favorable — and your relationship with your child will be stronger and healthier.”

By Jody Johnson Pawel

Homework is a child’s responsibility, so we need to be careful how much we help. We want to be aware of what our children are doing and be involved in helpful ways, but not help too much. Avoid the word "we" — it implies that homework is our responsibility. Say, "When are you going to do your homework?" If they are having problems, figure out why.

• If children have a time management problem, teach them how to schedule their time, instead of taking over and reminding them. Ask questions like, "How much time do you need for homework? Would you like to do homework right after school or right after dinner? How can you remember when it is time to do your homework?"

• If children don’t understand homework, ask questions that help them figure out the answer. "What are you supposed to do here? Where in the book does it talk about this?" If children don’t understand the information, we can try explaining it. We do not have to understand what children are learning to be helpful. We just need to know the skills for helping our children find their own answers. If children need daily help, they may benefit from a tutor more than our taking responsibility for helping them. It’s a delicate balance to be helpful, without fostering dependency, rescuing, or helping too much.

• If children forget a book, lunch or homework, teach organizational skills and use problem solving to let children chose self-reminders. Avoid being their reminder or rescuer. Agree to deliver forgotten items no more than three times per year. After that, the child will need to experience the natural consequence of not having the item.

• If children don’t see the value of homework, avoid lecturing. Ask questions like, "Why do you think the teacher wants you to do homework? How can doing homework help you? What will happen if you don’t do it?" Offer one brief value statement like, "Sometimes people ask us to do things they feel are important but we don’t. At work I have to do what my boss asks me to do. School is your job and teachers are your boss. You need to follow the schools rules, even if you don’t agree with them. As long as they aren’t asking you to do something hurtful or wrong, you need to do what they ask to do your job well."

• When children don’t do homework on purpose, it could be one of four reasons:
– Children might "act stupid" so teachers (or parents) will pay attention and spend time helping them. If the parent/teacher involves the child in meaningful activities or spends other special time with the child, it can prevent or stop this behavior.
–  Children might want to prove that they have power, by refusing to cooperate. "You can’t make me." They also might see if they can get others to take over and do the work for them. After all, if others will take responsibility why not let them?
– Children might not do homework to "punish" a disliked teacher. If good grades are important to parents and children want to hurt them, getting poor grades can be revenge. Help children find more appropriate ways to resolve the problem with the parent/teacher.
– Children may not do their homework because they are so discouraged they have given up. Give encouragement, not pressure, and help them break down assignments into smaller tasks to solve.

• Children who have given up on school are experiencing a deeper problem. Listen closely to identify the real issue. This is what needs to be resolved. Have children brainstorm possible solutions. You may enlist professional guidance, if indicated.
The two key points to remember about halting homework hassles are (a) you need to identify and resolve the "real issue" that’s causing the problem and (b) do this in a way that teaches children how to solve their own problems.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a licensed social worker, certified family life educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network and president of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of more than 100 parent education resources, including her award-winning book, “The Parent's Toolshop.” For more than 25 years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

How do you tell the difference between an online game that is a valuable educational tool and those that are merely fun? It may be difficult to assess the educational value of computer programs aimed at children – especially those aged 4 to 9. 

"Parents may see a familiar cartoon character on a product and think that must mean it's a good game for their child," says Mickelle Weary, academic director of DreamBox Learning K-3 Math, a web-based math program. "But is it really educational? Or is it just fluff? It can be very difficult to know until you've already bought the software and your child has played it for a while."

You may allow or even encourage your child to spend a substantial amount of time on a website featuring her favorite cartoon characters (or even spend a lot of money on it), only to find that it's not very educational. Worse yet, you may also discover that the program doesn't challenge your child or hold her interest for very long if the software doesn't adapt to her skill level.

"With education budgets being slashed nationwide, many parents feel that supplementing their child's education is more important than ever," Weary says. "Kids are naturally drawn to technology, so fun, online programs can be a great way to supplement what they're learning in school."

Weary offers parents and teachers some tips for evaluating the educational value of a child's math game:
• Does your child's school use it? Or other schools? If so, that's usually a great endorsement that the product is worth trying.

• Is it web-based? Does it create a specific account for your child? Web-based software, like DreamBox Learning K-3 Math, is more likely to offer individualized instruction than older generation CD-roms, and certainly provides more feedback than a workbook.

• Does the game adapt as your child's skill level and needs change? The best products start out by assessing where each child is developmentally in his or her math skills, then adapt all aspects of the game experience to match the child's needs. And as the child learns more, the game evolves to present challenges that keep pace with the child's abilities and interest level.

• Does the game teach conceptual understanding of new ideas or is it simply a fun way to practice math facts?

• Is it interactive and engaging? The product should be fun as well as instructional. Making education fun is a great way to get kids to keep coming back for more. Children will be drawn to products that encourage them to interact and affect the outcome of the game.

• Does the game give the child freedom of choice? Kids will be more engaged if they can direct how they play and choose what to do within the game. A good educational game should offer children options for how to progress at their particular skill level.

• Are parents able to track their child's progress through the game? Look for a product that provides parents the ability to generate detailed reports on their child's progress. Not only do these reports give parents a snapshot of what their child is learning and how effective the game is, they can be shared with children's teachers to help focus on areas of strength and challenges.

• Is the game credible? Has it earned recognition from educators and parents alike? For example, DreamBox Learning has received many awards, including the Parents' Choice Gold Award and the AEP Golden Lamp Award for Technology Innovation from the Association of Educational Publishers, and is used in schools all over the U.S.
Log on to www.DreamBox.com to learn more or for a free trial of this math product for kids.

In Georgia, many home schooling parents belong to the Georgia Home Education Association (GHEA), based in Fayetteville. The Association will serve and assist any home schooling family or support group in Georgia, however, GHEA is a Christian organization and the counsel and direction of the organization will be Christian. They can be contacted at (770) 461-3657 or by e-mail at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

There is also a Southeast Regional Homeschool EXPO that will be held July 30-31 at the Cobb Galleria Centre, Marietta (Atlanta).  Information is available at www.georgiahomeschool.com.

There is also an “Early Learners Conference: Have Fun Teaching Preschool through Third Grade, that will be held Sat., August 28, 2010 – 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. at the Holiday Inn Roswell. Info is also available at www.georgiahomeschool.com.