Pre-K/Elementary
SEPT 2009: How To Parent an Oppositional Child By David Swanson, Psy.D.Do you have an argumentative, short-tempered child who is quick to blame others and is easily annoyed? These are characteristics of what I call an "oppositional child." The psychological diagnosis is "oppositional defiant disorder," and its key clinical features, as listed in the DSM-IV, are: 1. Often loses temper. 2. Often argues with adults. 3. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules. 4. Often deliberately annoys people. 5. Often blames others for own mistakes or misbehavior. 6. Often is touchy or easily annoyed by others. 7. Often is angry and resentful. 8. Often is spiteful or vindictive. Notice the word often. Every child displays some of these traits some of the time. But if your child is often oppositional, your parenting skills have probably been tested to the limits many times. When dealing with an oppositional child, any situation can become a crisis. There doesn't have to be a rational reason. Many parents I work with make statements like, "I don't know what happened. First he said he wanted to go to his friend's house, then he said he wanted to have his friend come here. I told him he needed to make up his mind, and then he totally blew up." The oppositional child tells you a lot about how he is feeling through his behavior. The problem is that you don't get any warning — you only get the chaos. The first piece of advice I have is this: You need professional help if you are raising a child who is extremely and often oppositional. You can make the changes I am about to suggest, but be aware that the oppositional child is the most difficult child to raise. If you have an oppositional child, you and your family are at heightened risk for anxiety, physical abuse, divorce and substance abuse. I strongly suggest intervention for families living with an oppositional child. Although the oppositional child is one of the toughest parenting challenges, there are things you can do to decrease the frequency with which you will be subjected to your child's use of manipulative strategies. Below are 10 proactive parenting measures I recommend. 1. Choose your battles wisely. Sometimes it's beneficial to simply walk away, especially if your child has you in a trap you can't possibly get out of. 2. Always avoid power struggles. Power struggles are distractions from the issue at hand. 3. Develop your ability to appear calm when faced with frustration. Watching you fall apart is gratifying to children, and shows them they have gained the upper hand. 4. Develop and maintain a consistent environment. Devise an itinerary for the day and adhere to it. Create routines and rituals — such as focusing on homework as soon as the child gets home. Such habitual practices diminish power struggles. 5. Develop your ability to predict difficult times and situational triggers for your child. Plan ahead for tough situations so you can maintain calm and integrity when they erupt. For example, if getting a child ready for school is routinely a struggle with Mom, have Dad do it instead. 6. Develop plans to deal with inappropriate behaviors before your child engages in them (and post these plans in the home). Oppositional children are quick to pick up on — and exploit — parents' inconsistent responses and behaviors. Determine consequences ahead of time, and always enforce them. 7. Work on changing only one or two behaviors at a time. Be patient. If you are always focusing on the behavior of the day, your child will feel overwhelmed and criticized. Instead, have a talk with him, tell him the one or two behaviors that you will be focusing on, and then do just that. Praise him when he does well. When he is 80 to 90 percent responsive in those areas, have another talk with him and set two more behavioral goals. 8. Use responsibilities to reward your child. Giving your child the privilege of having power and control over her own environment will help here want to earn this privilege. Responsibility equals reward. 9. Seek out social support. Social interaction is a clear antidote to parenting stress. 10. Take time off from parenting. Vacations are a great way to replenish your parental battery. Find someone to watch the kids, and head out of town. Granted, the oppositional child is a difficult challenge. Try some of the solutions above, but if they don't work, don't despair. It may be beyond your immediate skills. If so, get help from an expert in oppositional defiant disorder. David Swanson, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in children and teens suffering from ADHD, oppositional and defiant behavior, anxiety, depression and social problems. His new book is “Help! My Kid Is Driving Me Crazy: The 17 Ways Kids Manipulate Their Parents and What You Can Do About It” (Perigee, September 2009). You can learn more about him at www.DrDavidSwanson.com. Read 0 Comments... >> |
AUGUST 2009: Encouraging Kids Into Math- and Science-related Careers Some typical answers to the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” are: firefighter, princess or an athlete.But when it comes to dream jobs, an overwhelming 85 percent of kids say they are not interested in a future engineering career — a profession critical to the infrastructure of the country. That’s according to a survey by Harris Interactive commissioned by American Society for Quality, a global membership organization of quality professionals in all industries and fields including engineering. Two key reasons that kids are saying “no” to engineering is that they don’t feel confident enough in their math and science skills to be good at it and they believe that it’s not an exciting career choice. Speaking to the National Academy of Sciences in April, President Barack Obama announced “a renewed commitment to education in mathematics and science,” fulfilling a campaign promise to train 100,000 scientists and engineers during his presidency. Math and science are subjects that provide critical problem solving and thinking skills crucial not only to engineering, but to the 21st century workforce in general. How are parents influencing their kids? The findings show that although parents believe math and science will help their children be successful, only 20 percent have encouraged their kids to explore engineering as a career option. In fact, girls say their parents are more likely to encourage them to become an actress than an engineer. Maurice Ghysels, chair of ASQ’s K-12 Education Advisory Committee, says that lessons about the value of math and science should start early and continue as students reach high school. “Encouraging exploration and curiosity is vital to budding engineers. Parents can help younger kids build a bridge using toothpicks and let their teens tear apart and rebuild that old toaster,” states Ghysels. A useful tool for parents and students is ASQ’s free Real World of Engineering Webinar www.asq.org/education where you can hear engineers’ career stories, and get an idea of the exciting aspects of engineering such as designing bridges and cell phones to inventing medical breakthroughs that save lives. Some of ASQ’s nearly 14,000 engineer members offer these tips on how parents can help to build a love of math and science with their kids: • Take children on a tour of local manufacturing companies where they can see first-hand how fun toys and products with which they’re familiar — like bicycles, candy and baseballs — are made. Learn the role an engineer plays in getting the product from the idea stage to store shelves. Suggestions: Jelly Belly Factory tour (www.jellybelly.com) and the Louisville Slugger Museum Factory tour (www.sluggermuseum. com). • Research vacation spots for geology, technology and science-related attractions and explore manufactured products specific to the area, so you can teach your kids in a fun setting. Suggestions: National Air and Space Museum (www.nasm.si.edu); Computer History Museum (www.computerhistory.org) and the Harley Davidson Museum (www.harley-davidson.com/museum). • Encourage curiosity in younger children with building blocks, puzzles and Legos. Challenge older children with remote control vehicles, robots, or work together to build a tree house. • Take them to a FIRST Robotics Competition (www.usfirst.org) or get them involved with National Science Olympiad competitions (www.soinc.org). • Get older kids a subscription to magazines such as Fast Company which profiles young entrepreneurs using their tech knowledge or Scientific American, which unique insights about developments in science and technology. • Seek out coworkers, family and friends who are engineers, and let them share stories with your children about what they do. Have your engineer friends speak at PTA meetings and school career fairs. One of the simplest and most important things that parents can do is maintain a positive attitude about math and science, encourage curiosity and keep an open mind as your child explores potential careers. – Source: ARAcontent Read 0 Comments... >> JULY 2009: Keeping Summer Activities Fun – For Kids and Parents
MANAGING CHRONIC BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS Kathy Royal and Patty Emerson have been helping parents learn and implement these same strategies for more than five years with great success. In their DVD “Raising Responsible Kids,” the above techniques and more are discussed and demonstrated – all designed to take some of the parenting stress out of summer-time activities and the rest of the year too! Go to www.rrkids.com to order your copy of “Raising Responsible Kids” and keep the excitement for summer alive. Read 0 Comments... >> JUNE 2009: How to Throw Your Child’s Birthday on a Budget The time has come to start planning your child’s birthday party, but your dead uncle’s estate hasn’t mailed that million-dollar check to you yet. How do you plan a party that celebrates your child’s life without feeling guilty for spending too much, or too little? It’s actually easier than you think. It takes a lot of creativity, some planning and only a little money to create a celebration that your child will fondly remember in the years to come. Consider this first: most likely, your child will only remember the friends and family who came with gifts of love and presence (not presents). Depending on their age, a lot of kids are happy with water guns and the Disney channel playing in the background. A lot of the big bash birthday parties are for show. Don’t get sucked into a party war with other parents (although it’s easy to do). Start your birthday party planning by first defining your intention. This may sound silly, but a lot of people don’t think about the underlying reason for the urge to splurge. Do you want a birthday party because you never had one as a child? Do you want a birthday party to show off how much you love your kid? Do you want a birthday party to celebrate the gift of life? If you answered yes to the third question, you’ll definitely be able to create a party on a budget. A lot of times, parents get consumed with revisiting their youth through their children, unintentionally. What we all must do is live intentionally, and make all of our actions conscious. Define your child’s birthday party by its singular purpose: celebrating life. Engrave Your Budget in Stone Setting the budget is the next most important thing you must do. Along the same vein of living intentionally, you should budget intentionally. Start out by figuring how much you can afford to spend. In these days of economic upheaval, you really have to count each penny. Determine how much you can afford and put it in your monthly budget. If you forgot to do that, just use the money you normally earmark for entertainment. Use your available money as your guide, not the number of invites. Many people are able to throw a magical birthday party on $50 or $100, total. It doesn’t take much money, especially if your child is younger. It will be extremely tempting to spend more once you get to the party decorations store and you see all the cute items that would spice up your theme. This is where being rigid is a virtue. In fact, adopt the envelope system espoused by financial guru Dave Ramsey. Put the cash you have allotted for the party in an envelope and spend only that amount. When the cash is gone, you’re done. This forces you to “edit” your purchases. It also activates the creative side of your brain. Dollar-Store Decorations Your neighborhood dollar store is an amazing resource for planning a successful birthday party on a budget. The dollar store, where everything is $1 (or less), is available in every city. Not all of the items in the dollar store are cheap and tawdry; in fact, many can be cute and useful. Look for themed mylar and latex balloons (the ones shaped like cupcakes and butterflies or featuring popular cartoon characters), paper plates and plastic utensils, candy, party favors and other party decorations. You can also buy do-it-yourself crafts and ask your kids to help. Here’s a fun way to make old school streamers: buy construction paper and glue from the dollar store, and cut the paper into strips, length-wise. Loop the paper and glue the ends together. Repeat, creating interlinking loops. The result is a colorful set of streamers that your child helped create. Let Them Eat Cake To buy or not to buy, that’s the question. You may think that you can’t make your own cake, but chances are, you can! With the advent of the Internet, anything is possible. Sites like AllRecipes.com and YouTube.com help even the novice baker create a masterpiece. All it takes is cake mix, frosting and an Internet connection. Someone in cyberspace has created a tutorial that complements any idea you can dream up. Making your own cake gives you the most flexibility, and is very cost effective. You could save as much as 90 percent over a store-bought cake. Foodies or Kiddies Most people blow a large portion of their budget on expensive food. Party food is usually cost-prohibitive, but with the right planning, you create a menu without leftovers – or at least with leftovers you won’t mind eating the next day. The key is in serving finger foods that your guests will actually want to eat. Stay away from fine French cheese when you’re hosting 5-year-olds. Think more along the lines of goldfish crackers. Instead of crackers, think potato chips— the baked, good-for-you kind. Speaking of which, find ways to incorporate healthy snacks into your menu. Serve homemade granola bars and fresh fruit. However, remember, it’s a kid’s party, and candy is basically mandatory! Kids love to play with their food, so take that to the next level. Have all the kids come into the kitchen and design mini pizzas on biscuit dough. Give them pepperoni and shredded cheese and pasta sauce for topping. You do the baking and supervise, of course. They will love eating their own creations, and you’ll enjoy less work. Other good and quick food ideas: pigs-in-a-blanket (small sausages baked in crescent dough), hamburgers, chicken nuggets, party mix, home-baked cookies, punch and Popsicles. Entertain the Masses This is the part that requires the most creativity. How do you entertain a bunch of kids whose attention spans are equal to their age? Have lots of games, several going at one time, if you have a large number of guests. You want to create simultaneous activities so that a child can go from one to the other. Have board games set up, a face-painting station and a movie playing in the background. If you want to create a more cohesive atmosphere, consider throwing a talent or variety show. Beforehand, buy some fun and funky outfits from the thrift store, and have them washed and ready the day of the party. Invite the kids to dress up and create characters and act them out on stage. It’s inexpensive and encourages imagination. Other tips: consider a sleepover for girls or a backyard campout for boys. Your child’s birthday party doesn’t have to suffer because of a limited budget. If you allow yourself to consider the possibilities, you’ll realize the only thing limited is your thinking. You are more resourceful than you realize. Source: PeopleJam.com Read 0 Comments... >> MAY 2009: How to Protect Your Kids From the Recession
Whether you've been hit hard by the recession or not, kids and families may be reeling from the effects of the troubled times without a frame of reference for how tough it is out there.
Arun Abey, former investment strategist and author of the book How Much is Enough, from Greenleaf Book Group Press (www.howmuchisenough.net), believes that parents don't just need to teach their kids about finances, but also about the relationship between money and quality of life. “It's not easy to say that money isn't everything in a recession, but it isn't,” Abey said. “It's so easy to fall into the trap of making sure your kids understand the importance of making a good living financially, but if we leave out the part about lasting fulfillment in their careers, we're shortchanging them. It leads to the avaricious corporate behavior that has been rampant in recent years where people pursue ever more money with no sense of meaning or perspective.” Still, Abey also believes we need to get our kids smart about finances early to help protect them now and in the future. To that end, he offers some basic tips for families who want to get themselves - and their kids - smart now about financial matters. • Don't Let Money Be Invisible Working-class families during the Great Depression routinely set jars out in full view of the family marked “Rent,” “Food,” “Clothes” and so on, showing everyone where the money went. Today, money comes out of ATMs, and is spent via debit cards and credit cards - invisible to kids as to where it comes from and where it goes. Kids lack a frame of reference. • Give Kids Responsibility for Spending One of the ways to get kids smart fast is to present a situation in which real consequences exist, by placing them in charge of their discretionary spending. If they receive an allowance, then parents should require their kids to map out the money they have coming and also where it goes. Seeing it on paper or in a computer chart will give them a sense of reality about their money, and also build healthy financial habits they will cling to in later life. • Teach the Power of Investment A typical method parents use to get kids interested in saving money is to help them set up a savings account. The part that is often left out regard the value of that investment. Parents should spell it out. For example, a simple investment of $100 in a basic savings account can result in a balance of $12,000 after 20 years. If they invest that same $100 in a bond or a stock that returns merely 6 percent a year, that balance grows to $42,000-plus. • For Love or Money? Most affluent families try to direct their children toward high-earning careers, such as medicine, high finance or business management. Working class families stress education, and also try to drive their kids toward high-status career paths in an effort to help them get out of the pattern of hopelessness and disillusionment that characterizes many of their childhoods. However, there is an alternative method, which directs children toward career paths that stress their passions, what they love to do. This path stresses lasting fulfillment over financial rewards, even though, in many cases, people wind up with both by following this path. Ask your kids what they are passionate about and what they are good at. The answers to those questions will lead to a happier life and a better quality of life than one centered on the pursuit of the almighty dollar. “I can't think of a more important moment in America's history to teach these lessons,” Abey said. “The current financial crisis, caused equally by reckless bankers as well as uninformed consumers, underscores the need for this kind of education and understanding. It's critical not just for mom and dad, but for the whole family, if future generations have a hope of being spared the pitfalls that led to today's crisis.” Read 0 Comments... >> |
There is nothing more promising than summer! Your kids are excited and you are excited about all the possibilities and activities that you can experience together. You optimistically plan your first activity, a trip to the park. You and your sweet child have a great time, until the dreaded words “It’s time to go” are spoken, and then your little sweetheart turns very sour and has an all out meltdown. You begin pleading, then yelling and finally dragging your child to the car. The excitement of summer vacation fades quickly – but it doesn’t have to be that way.
